That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
