You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
