Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
