my soul wont recognize me after tonight
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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