I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
