Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
