Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I have demons in me.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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