we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
