Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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