We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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