No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
