I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
operation harelip BJ is a go
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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