before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
