Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
