What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
