I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
