My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
