i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
