i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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