Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
