Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i love accidental penises.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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