he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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