Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
