$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
