Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
