I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
