At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
