Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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