i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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