My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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