Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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