Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
