All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
