guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
