haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
