He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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