I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
