i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
