I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
