How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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