if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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