Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
