I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
