my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
