For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
