Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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