I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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