Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Randomize
