you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Why are your pants in the freezer?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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