I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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