so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Even my vagina gasped.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
