Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
