you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
