while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
